I can't sleep
So here I am... Continuing on with yesterday's post in a way...
...What am I doing up this early in the morning on a Saturday? I am up this early in the morning because I'm afraid I don't really exist. I mean, sure I'm here physically, and I have some memories of the past, a few that go back pretty far even. But some things I thought I knew, well they are getting a bit "iffy" for me at the moment.
Did I really get confirmed at Good Shepherd Lutheran church in Novato or was that all a brilliant fantasy and take place only in my head? It is quite possible that I'm not here now. I could be in a mental hospital, or in hell. Or I could be laying in the gutter on the street somewhere, living this life in my head. I have no idea.
Actually I'm pretty sure I'm here. ;-) I really ought not to get so carried away. On the other hand the memories of the confirmation course I thought I experienced is a bit vague, more than vague, they are fragmentary, blurred, confused and hard to get a firm grip on. I do recall, barely, talking to Pastor Gjervik and going through a course and I think I recall a white robe and a ceremony at the church where I was confirmed. But really I don't have good memory of it.
My real worry is that I might have to stop taking the Eucharist with the congregation at Messiah Lutheran if I cannot
prove I was confirmed. I don't know if that is the way things work or not. Man, this not having the paper trail is for the birds.
Really, all of this is the result of my own actions at one point in my life, 26 years ago, when I walked away from my apartment with my backpack full of clothes, a sleeping bag and a couple of small boxes in my arms, just what I could carry, and left every thing else behind. After all, I thought, they are just
material things and I'm not
attached to them. Well that is true, I wasn't attached to them, but some of them might have come in handy from time to time ;-)
To tell the truth though, I've been thinking recently that I have too much
stuff again. That I really need to clear out most of the
stuff that has accumulated around me. I've even made lists of what I think I could reasonably keep, it takes up about 2/3 of a page. Then there is the "what is the minimum I need" list and that one is very short. Really now, just where did all of this
stuff come from? And what in the world do I think I'm going to do with it all? After all, it
is just
stuff, and stuff can get in the way at times, can come between me and Christ if I'm not careful.
Enough for now, I am just confusing myself I think. ;-P